It’s funny how I found love!
I have to admit I was one of those women who chased all the wrong men for all the right reasons. I loved them, I saw potential in everything they did and most importantly I convinced myself that if I loved hard enough then any diversions would be beaten by my love. I’m the type that doesn’t love easy, but when I do I love, I love hard. So, the men that have passed through my life were privileged with my relentless, undying and highly loyal love. Back then my feelings were never important, instead I always prioritized my man’s feelings over mine. If he was unhappy, you better believe I was turning the world upside down to make him happy. If he needed something, I would travel to the ends of the Earth to get his simplest wish. My man never had to ask for anything, I always knew what he wanted because I listened and recorded everything in my mental Rolodex. I never said no and I always made sure to make myself available. In retrospect I was the perfect woman! Strong, but vulnerable. Tough but caring. I loved that about myself and I wore my style of love like a badge of honor on my chest. I prided myself on being the woman that would conquer and slay all of my man’s demons. Isn’t that what love is all about?
I battled with my selfless love for years. Always being the perfect partner, but never having the perfect partner. When I went into my thirties I ended a relationship with a guy who I thought was the stars, moon and heaven all in one. He was supposed to be knight in shining armor and then I woke up one day and realized that I was his everything but he was nothing to me. That’s when I started doing some serious soul searching. I took a look at that relationship and realized that I put him before everything. There were times when he even came before my own child. I thought that by being the perfect woman he would snatch me up and lock me down. He definitely snatched me, but he didn’t lock me down and the realization of that hurt. So, I decided that I wanted more. I didn’t want to be that 40 year-old woman who needed friends to do everything with. I wasn’t interested in being alone and sad. I really wanted someone that was my equal. I took time to really evaluate my needs and myself as a person and I realized that being the perfect woman does not mean giving up everything to make another happy. Love is about equality. What makes real relationships work is when your love is equal. Imagine having a partner who goes out of their way to set up candle-light dinners for you because they know you’ve had a long day at work and they just want you to relax. Or imagine you throwing your partner a party and they thank you later by giving you a massage. You see I wanted a love that gave in the same measure as me.
When I realized what I wanted it made finding what I needed easy. I eventually found my true love and for the first time I felt equal in my relationship. For a person who spent the majority of their life providing, affecting and changing anothers life for the better I can’t tell you how it felt when I met someone who did the same for me. I found love, first by loving myself enough to know that I needed to change. Once I saw my faults the next step was accepting that the only way I was going to ever be Mrs. Somebody, was if I first was Ms. Somebody to myself.
Find yourself first and you’ll find a love that’s meant to be!
Stephanie Deniese Brown
